No Pictures Please

This is coming from a place of honesty inside of myself.  I could spew out positivity on this, and tell you all the things I tell myself, however, this is the truth.  I hope anyone else who feels this way feels less alone, and I hope that we can all do our best to reset our brains to love what we see when we look in the mirror, and feel confident about ourselves, no matter what number we see on the inside of our clothing, or on a scale.

If I die tomorrow, there is one photo that could go in my obituary. It’s from just below my shoulders up, and doesn’t show much of my body.   It was taken in a hair salon after I had been made up for a wedding more than 3 years ago.  Why is this?  The truth of the matter is that I’ve felt fat for years (with the exception of about 6 months).  It’s very hurtful when you have people (usually men) who make comments like “you play soccer?  How?  You’re not skinny”, or when you were dating a guy who never told you that you were even cute in the 3 months that he was cheating on you, and you convinced yourself that he wasn’t because your self-esteem was so low, because you felt fat and he made you feel fat.

I haven’t purchased clothes unless it was absolutely necessary in years.  I kept hoping that I would lose weight, so what was the point of wasting money on new clothes?  I haven’t bought new jeans in four years after having followed Weight Watchers and I’d slimed down to a healthy BMI when I bought the jeans (I fell off the wagon due to a state of depression shortly after.)  I grew out of the jeans, stopped wearing jeans and eventually moved back into my larger jeans (which I forgot I had, but randomly found in my drawer one day in an attempt to de-clutter).  This feeling of being fat pretty much turned me into consumer minimalist when it came to clothes (even though I still had lots of clothes, I purchased them like a minimalist.)

I am a woman, so I’m programed to want to like what I see in the mirror and never be happy with it, but that’s not enough to convince me to make the changes I need to make to lose weight.  I can easily hide under clothes, and avoid photos and any form of social media.  What made me truly want to lose the weight was thinking long term.  I want my joints to function without pain, and carrying around extra weight will not do me any favours.  I am faster and can go longer on the soccer field when I don’t have to carry around an extra 25 pounds.  I feel more confident now. I’ve recently lost 18 pounds, and am feeling better about myself and when I look in the mirror.  I’ve cut the junk, eat healthy portion sizes and find that the less I drink alcohol, the better I feel.  I’m drinking more water and herbal tea.  I’m eating more vegetables than I have in years.  I feel and look healthier than I have in a while and that feels good.  (Thank you Weight Watchers).

I used to joke when asked the question “how much do you want to lose?”  My answer was “I just want to weigh less than my boyfriend.”  He is 7 inches taller than I am and wants to gain weight.  I told him I’m a master of gaining weight and if he wants any pointers, I’ll gladly give them to him.  It’s sad because there was truth to the joke of wanting to weigh less then him.  Not only was I comparing myself to other women, but I was comparing a number on a scale to the man who I love.  I’d love him no matter how much he weighed, it just makes me feel better about myself to weigh less than he does.  What the heck is that?

This is something I need to work on.    I need to deprogram my negative tendencies and reprogram myself to be confident.  Maybe one day I’ll want to buy a nice capsule wardrobe and donate all of my clothes that don’t fit anymore and turn anything warn out into rags.  Maybe one day I’ll want to have my picture taken again.  Maybe one day I’ll feel comfortable in my own skin and being who I am.  The funny thing is that this confidence shouldn’t be attached to a number on the scale.  It needs to come from within.  I’m envious of women of all shapes and sizes who rock their bodies and inner and outer beauty like nobody’s business.  That confidence comes from within.  I can only hope that I can find that place in myself.

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